I'm Listening...
Have you heard the statement, “I hear you”? To hear is the action of letting sound come to our ears. Hearing is one of the five senses. However, mere hearing does not evoke attention. We hear noises and sounds around us every day. Yet, we may not be paying attention to all or most of them. Listening on the other hand, is much different.
Merriam Webster’s Dictionary defines “listening” as, “to pay attention to sound”. The second and third definitions are more interesting: “to hear something with thoughtful attention: give consideration” and “to be alert to catch an expected sound”.
Thoughtful attention, alert, & catch – these words speak volumes of the space in the coaching conversation and what we attempt to achieve between the Coach and the Client. The late Dr Stephen R. Covey explained this well in his 1989 book “The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People”. The fifth habit is “Seek first to understand, then to be understood”. This is the habit of Empathic Communication and deals with the importance of active listening.
Ironically, the ICF (International Coach Federation) Core Competency #5 is Active Listening! It is defined as the “Ability to focus completely on what the client is saying and is not saying; to understand the meaning of what is said in the context of the client’s desires, and to support client self-expression.”
There are 3 Barriers to Active Listening that a Coach needs to overcome – Not Focusing, Being Distracted, and Impatience. Establishing focus, not only involves listening but eye contact to ensure that the Coach maintains attention on the Client. This is applicable even on an online medium, where it is important to maintain eye contact and focus on the client. This also means that the coach cannot be distracted.
Distractions are costly as it prevents concentration and divides attention. Distractions can be both from the external environment such as phone calls, background noise and internally, the thoughts that run through the Coach’s head.
When the Coach avoids distractions, it allows to be present in the moment Being present is one of the best gifts that a person can give another. As a Coach, we have an immense responsibility towards our Client. It is a very altruistic profession because we have an opportunity to give our time to our client, and in this day and age of fast food and infomercials that last only seconds, giving expansive time to another person is a true gift.
The third requirement is to have patience – to not interrupt but allow for the expansive space needed for the client to share.
As a Coach, it is important for us to be able to let go of our ego and desire to speak and instead, first give space for the Client to express what is on their mind. The intent should be to listen attentively to understand. Thereafter, the Coach reflects the feelings or words back to the Client. In doing so, the Client sees the unseen, listens to their inner voice, and uncovers deeper meaning around their own words. Without attentive listening, the conversation would just be a dialogue of sharing thoughts and would remain “Level 1 listening”, ICF defines it as “where the focus is on ourselves and the desire for information i.e. ‘what does this mean to me?’”
Active listening requires the Coach to give full attention to the Client’s words, gestures, and body language – to what is said and what is unsaid. This is a client-centric approach and allows for the Client to self-express and strengthens the Client’s self-knowledge and/or self-awareness. Active listening is “Level 2 listening” defined by ICF as the focus on “what does this mean to the Client?” and this focus is necessary for a transformational conversation to take place.
Martha Lasley, MBA, PCC, says,
“Transformation is the process of profound and radical change that arises from deep awareness and leads to fresh orientation and a new direction”.
How then does active listening support the transformation process? A transformational conversation focuses on a paradigm shift. The Client reflects inward and realizes a transformation of beliefs, values, conscious and unconscious thoughts. The Coaching conversation is focused on heightening awareness and deepening the learning for the Client. Allowing the Client to see what is emerging as new.
For this transformation to take place, the Coach needs to listen and reflect the thoughts and words of the Client, which deal with the past associations of beliefs, values, conscious and unconscious thoughts.
Stephen R. Covey once said,
“When you really listen to another person from their point of view, and reflect back to them that understanding, it’s like giving them emotional oxygen.”
- This is the fresh breath the Client requires to see what is possible and positive in moving to the future state – the paradigm shift.
Active listening is a cornerstone of the coaching conversation. Listening allows the creation of expansive space for the Client to share their story. The Coach, through the process of thoughtful attention, considers what the client is expressing and seeks to understand what it means for the client. The Coach needs to be alert, to catch the expression of desire and focus of desire. By degrees, the Coach raises inquiry that further allows the Client to reflect on what is unfolding.
The inner search that happens is the result of the active listening process. The Coach has not imposed his own beliefs, values, or conscious and unconscious thoughts. No. The Coach reflects the Client’s own thoughts, beliefs, and values to stimulate the paradigm shift. Hence, it is evident that active listening supports the transformative process of the Coaching conversation.
In writing this, I have also reflected on this journey that I have undertaken to be a Coach. The reason for me to select this topic is that it resonates with what I do as a Trainer on communication skills. Learning about coaching has reinforced my core beliefs on the value of active listening and I appreciate the impact it makes. This is rewarding.
The reason for me to share this here is, I am now a member of the ICF! Yes, I have started my journey to be an Accredited Coach. Just finishing up my certification and I had to submit this reflection as part of my final submissions.
Reach out to me if you need someone to listen...
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